So I am getting older. I know, everyone is getting older, but there is a point in everyone’s life (presumably) when it becomes unsettling and obvious. I think for me it started a few years ago when I spotted a few gray hairs, soon after I noticed deep lines along my eyes, then my under eye circles got deeper and darker, my skin got weird and my body started to change. It all felt premature, I am not even thirty! It made me uneasy for a lot of reasons.
Of course I hated the idea that shimmery eye makeup now settled in my laugh lines, but I think the real problem is that it also made feel like I was at a point in my life when I expected to be more accomplished. By thirty I figured I’d have a comfortable career, my own place, kids, a partner, a structured life. Right it now it looks like by thirty I will probably have one, maybe two, of those; I have a pretty amazing partner and a job I enjoy. Still my career has just begun, I live with my parents, I have a seemingly insurmountable amount of debt. I can see a lot of possibilities, but it is impossible to concretely see where my life is going. It is unnerving that at this point in my life, as my hair grows gray and my face wrinkles, everything feels up in the air, there is just no real structure to speak of.
But this has been a year of major changes in my life. Professionally I have accomplished a lot: I took the Florida Bar, I passed the Florida Bar, I became an attorney, I started to work with one, then two, then three attorneys, I got to stand before judges, negotiate with assistant state attorneys, attend Naturalization interviews, and wing it (not really, but sometimes it feels like regardless of prep I have no idea what I am doing) before hearing officers. Personally it has been just as fulfilling: I finally get to say I am Jewish, I once again get to spend time with my friends again, my sister and I are working on not being quite as sporadic with our communication, I got the best birthday gift ever (a slow cooker), I started a blog, I attended the wedding of one of my oldest (in time) friends and it sparked my own wedding desires, my relationship with my boyfriend grew, our commitment to one another deepened, we talked wedding and went ring shopping, and now I have to live with a boy (cue Monica’s whiny voice from episode 606).
It didn’t happen the way I imagined. It was a complex time, it was partly out of necessity and we moved in with my mom (I am apparently reliving my mother’s life). My parents were amazing about it, and I can add it to the exceedingly long list of things that make my parents amazing. I honestly expected the worst after watching countless sitcoms and reading a lot of Jezebel posts about the horrifying experience that is living with a boy. However, looking back on it really wasn’t that bad. There were issues, but we had already spent a couple of years of being practically inseparable and generally very honest about who we were. Still, there were adjustments. I don’t live in a home with much closet space, so bringing in more stuff meant getting rid of stuff. For as long as I can remember I have been a hoarder, but when I met my boyfriend I was cured (he is also kind of a hoarder). I happily donated countless outfits and accessories to my young cousins and aunt and thrown out an overwhelming collection of old magazines and useless paperwork. My boyfriend also got rid of as much as possible, including furniture. Most of his things found a place in our home, but there are a couple of things still packed in boxes in both of our vehicles (oy).
The only real issues we had were organizational, but we get along really well and he’s an incredible listener so we have slowly been working on it (especially after that time I threw a sock at him because he left it on the floor). I guess this move takes the romance and mystery out of our relationship to some people, but I am glad our relationship has progressed in the way it has. I think our choices come with a lot of openness and communication and I love that about us, it feels very adult, very conscious, very together that way. None of it is just magically easy, it takes work to make our relationship work, our love feels effortless because we take the time to nourish it. When we wake up smiling on Sunday morning and spend the day happily just being together, even after almost three years, it is because we are living and growing together, not merely cohabiting. I honestly never expected to be this happy with someone, I didn’t think it was possible, but our relationship has changed that. Something about us as a couple emanates warmth and love, everywhere we go people comment on how palpable our affection and respect for one another is, and I adore that our partnership can make others feel that way. Even my mom commented last week that he and I really get along well. It made me chuckle because we have spent so much of our three years together around my mom. She has clearly felt that way before, but it still surprises her that it hasn’t changed; after three years together we haven’t run out of things to talk about, to laugh about, to learn.
Now, after a year of changes in both of our lives we are about to embark on another year that will inevitably bring just a few more and I have to learn to make peace with the gray hair and the laugh lines, I will throw my plans and my hangups out, and just be deliriously happy to move forward in the life I have been blessed to have.
(And for the physical concerns, I will take vitamins, eat well, exercise, and continue to use Estee Lauder’s Idealist Illuminator and Advanced Night Repair, because yes, now I buy face creams and yes these are awesome)